I reinstated my writing Instagram, but not my trad account. I missed my small community on the writing account. And a record of the last decade of my life. I’ve been on it a lot less though.
So the other night my husband took me by surprise. I can’t remember exactly what we were talking about, but I ended up saying, “well, what would you say if I said I was a full time poet and artist?”
Then he said, “Yeah, you are.” I was shocked. I was trying to make a point that you need to make a living from what you do to say that you do it full time, but he made it clear that he does think I write and do art full time, and that doing it full time simply means it’s what you dedicate your time to. You don’t have to make a living at it. I pursue the platforms I want and ignore the rest. I live authentically.
It’s just that I’ve always thought of myself first as a full time stay at home mom, and then a full time homemaker once my daughter started school. I have never identified as a poet or an artist in any serious capacity because I do not earn money from either endeavor and because now I just blog my poetry. But it is true that I read and write daily, and I have a beautiful, if cluttered, little studio. And every single day I make art or take pictures. I identify more as a homemaker, but I work my homemaking in around creativity. Maybe I’m less of a homemaker than I thought?
Where do you draw the line? It’s hard to say because nothing about being a full time homemaker means you’re not allowed to have hobbies that have nothing to do with homemaking. Sure, it’s good to enjoy things like sewing that can be good for your household, but you’re entitled to enjoy anything from rugby to water aerobics to sculpting. A woman can have any interests and still be a homemaker. But when does something stop being a hobby and start being the main event? I always assumed it was when you started making an income on it. But maybe that isn’t true.
My family is most important to me, but as long as I keep the house up and get a certain amount of work done each day, my family doesn’t suffer for my creativity. It makes me feel alive. I can’t stop. I’m a poet first and foremost, but also an artist and photographer. I just want to let color flow from my hands and texture from my feral English language. It is true that my husband allows me to hire someone to help because when my mood takes a dive it gets hard to do things (even creating). As I’ve always said, I’m more of a Victorian housewife than a 50s one.
Could I be living the dream I had when I was young? Writing and creating full time? I always knew I wanted to get married and stay at home with my kids. But I thought before I did that I would have some time creating full time and teaching in a university, maybe. Then I would give up a lot of my passions to focus on family. Then I got married a year after graduating and I threw myself into marriage and motherhood. But I was always making something or writing chapbooks. I never stopped being me.
As the years went by and my daughter got older, I started spending more time writing and painting in my studio. Now that she’s in middle school and doesn’t get home until late afternoon, I find myself seeking pleasure and fulfillment in my studio more often. I’m writing this there now.
Is my husband right? He usually is. And what does that mean about me as a “trad wife?” I still don’t advocate for any careers that involve sticking your kids in daycare. If I couldn’t write and do art from home, then I wouldn’t be writing and doing art. But I also admit that I can’t imagine my life without writing and art, and I think everybody needs some sort of hobby or something that is just for them. But when I look inside my heart, I know that poetry is more than a hobby. Art is more than a way to spend the afternoon. I’ve never been against cottage industry, but I guess the question is, am I more devoted to a clean house or to the things looking for a way out of my mind through my hands? Have my obsessions taken over?
Am I the writer and creator I always dreamed of being AND a wife and mother?
